Help! We’re Visiting the Small Town Where My Husband Used to Be a Doctor. Everyone Still Thinks We’re the Enemy. (2024)

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column.Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My husband was a rural primary care doctor from 2012-2021. I was overjoyed when he took a position in an underserved county near my extended family. He’s gentle and hardworking, and I was the primary earner to make it work financially (Medicare and Medicaid reimbursem*nts are garbage). But with the pandemic, he got burned out hard. Everyone brought politics into medical appointments. A neighbor screamed at me in the grocery store for “being part of the vax conspiracy.” Parents were weird to our kids. Most of our county health department was so intimidated or demoralized that they quit. He felt like patients didn’t trust him.

We moved to a small city and have been much happier. We both got better jobs and are chipping away at school loans. Our marriage is so much healthier, and so are we. Our kids are getting a better education, making friends and there’s better support for us as parents. We’re going back to visit my extended family several times this summer for funerals, a wedding, and helping move my aunt into assisted living. I love my family and the land but I’m dreading it. They still haven’t permanently filled his old job and everyone blames us for leaving, acting like we took an easy way out. An old neighbor told me she blamed my husband for her husband’s suicide the last time we visited, because there was no doctor for him to see. It’s horrible and we’ll be seeing lots of these people this summer. My husband usually freezes, and I usually get angry. How do we handle this?

—Tired Wife

Dear Tired Wife,

I’m mortified that more than one person has irrationally blamed you for leaving. I mean, even if they’re thinking it, I can’t believe they would say it to your face! It sounds like you have a great argument for why you made the right choice for your family, and the key to becoming impervious to the attacks you’re facing will be to really, sincerely believe that you both didn’t do anything wrong. It’s more important for you and your husband to convince yourselves than it is to convince others. At that point, any comments you hear will just be the ridiculous rants of inappropriate relatives and old neighbors.

In the moment, you’ll still need some quick responses, so I suggest, “I can tell you care a lot about healthcare equity. How much of your monthly income are you donating to make sure your neighbors have the care they need?” or “It was a tough decision. The good news is, you could actually become a doctor by the time you’re 49 and help fill the gap. You’re obviously passionate enough to do it. Would you like us to send you advice on the med school application process?”

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Dear Prudence,

My 6-year-old son has a friend in his class, “Max,” who has some serious behavioral issues. I believe he’s been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, which manifests itself in lashing out violently toward other children. He’s finally on medication that works well enough for him to be able to attend school without major disruption. I’m friends with Max’s parents, and they are kind people who I feel are a little out of their depth with his needs. At my son’s birthday party, his mom was chatting with other people and not supervising Max closely. As a result, he ended up throwing a water gun at one kid and screaming at another, much smaller kid, for not going down the slide fast enough. I had several parents mention the behavior later, and some of the dads at the party had to actually correct or stop him. We’re coming up on another party at our house, and I was wondering how best to address this with his mom. It’s hard to say, “Just watch your kid better,” but I also don’t want other friends to stop coming because Max might be there.

—It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

Dear It’s My Party,

Since you’re friends with Max’s parents, maybe you can approach his mom as a collaborator. After all, you do share similar goals: making it possible for him to be included in events with other children. You could say something like, “I noticed Max was struggling a bit at the birthday party, and when he lashed out, a couple of kids got hurt. Can we do anything when we host to make things more manageable for him?” If she doesn’t have any ideas, you could share some. For example, “Does he need a quiet area to decompress after a while? Would it help to give him a job to do to keep his energy focused? Is it better not to have toy guns around? Would it make sense to create a separate big kids’ area so he doesn’t have to interact with toddlers?” I’m hopeful that this will communicate to her that you are committed to including him, but doing so without any accommodations or guardrails to protect other children isn’t working. I imagine she’s overwhelmed and a bit exhausted, and would appreciate the support. At the very least, it will likely bring to her attention that she needs to keep an eye on him.

I doubt Max will be the only kid in your family’s life who has behavior issues. And even outside of a formal diagnosis, as your son grows up, you’ll likely encounter bullies, children who get hopped up on birthday cake and excitement and play too rough, and little ones who don’t yet know how to manage conflict. So rather than thinking of this as a dilemma about one wild kid and his not-very-present mom, consider it an opportunity for you to do what you can to make your gatherings friendly to the whole range of personalities and moods you might find in your son’s friends and relatives. That will ultimately benefit everyone.

Dear Prudence,

My husband died during our separation. He had been cheating on me but I didn’t find out who until after he died. His family always hated me, especially his mother. I was the wrong color and culture. I didn’t find out how much until his mother tried to bring the other woman to the funeral. There would have been an additional body in that funeral parlor if the director hadn’t stepped in and made the woman leave. Needless to say, what little contact I had with my former in-laws has not been good. The only positive relationship that I had was with my sister-in-law. She married into the family like me and came from a different background. My husband was very close to her son (his brother had constant legal problems). Looking back I can understand why she kept her distance from me—she was living with our mother-in-law and only working part-time. Her son graduated from high school this year. My husband always talked about helping out with school. Money wise I am very comfortable. Should I help out? Or is it foolish of me to reach out?

—Reach Out

Dear Reach Out,

It’s not foolish as long as you do it wisely. Talk to a financial advisor to make sure you’re as comfortable as you think you are when it comes to your long-term plans. If it turns out that you can really spare the money, absolutely reach out with an offer. (Make sure the advisor walks you through the financial logistics of giving away a larger sum.) I suggest a one-time lump sum as a gift, rather than, for example, agreeing to pay a particular amount monthly. And do it unconditionally. If your sister-in-law’s son ends up dropping out of college, not expressing gratitude, or becoming a person who you don’t particularly like, that has to be OK with you. You will have carried out your husband’s wishes. I’m sure he’d also love for you to reestablish a relationship with your sister-in-law, and this could be a great way to begin to do that.

Dear Prudence,

I’m at my wit’s end trying to get support and help from my husband. My mom is in a nursing home 90 minutes from me. I see her three times a week. I’m completely overwhelmed and exhausted and can’t seem to get any help. I do 95 percent of everything that needs to be done at home. He “helps” by putting away laundry, putting dishes in the dishwasher after a meal, and emptying the dishwasher. This would be great if he “saw” any other dishes/cookware on the stove or counters. He puts the plates, silverware, and glasses in. That’s it. Wipes off nothing. He empties the dishwasher but doesn’t see anything still dirty. He pees on the bathroom floor, and blows his nose into the sink then leaves it there. I yelled, threatening to leave… Nothing works.

Until Mom got sick, I admit I did almost everything for him. He’s spoiled. I think this refusal or inability is passive-aggressive on his part. Or maybe it’s because he’s 81. I’m 72. I don’t know. I’m exhausted, stressed, and angry, and I’m watching my mom slip away day by day. Any magic words to get through to him? I’m thinking of leaving him, yet in my present state of mind, I don’t want to make that kind of decision. His health is great. No issues with dementia. He just sits and does nothing, which may indicate depression on his part. His life has changed too. Help!

—Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Your relationship with your mom, who is nearing the end of her life, should be a reminder that our time on Earth is too short to waste years cleaning another adult’s pee off the bathroom floor and wiping their snot from the sink. Your deep frustration with a domestically useless, inconsiderate spouse is so common that I hesitate to minimize it because of your “present state of mind.”

You say you’ve threatened to leave and nothing has changed, so the next step is to actually leave. Pack. Move. You will either have peace, clean bathroom floors, and the mental space to focus on your mom, or you will have a husband who finally realizes that you’re serious and begs you to come back.

If it’s the latter, tell him that you will under one condition: He has to agree to a specific checklist of cleaning tasks that he will accomplish daily, and complete a daylong training (led by you, a willing family member, or a professional housekeeper) on how to accomplish these things, so he can’t claim ignorance. Tell him this is the last time you’re going to discuss it. When you move back in, it’s three strikes (or three pee-on-the-floor or snot-in-the-sink incidents) and he’s out—or rather, you’re out of the house and back in your own clean place for good.

Classic Prudie

I’m a cis-gay man. My best friend is a cis-straight woman. She has been through a journey the last few years with her spouse, who came out as a trans woman. There were some breaches of trust along the way (starting hormones and hiding it, etc.), but with counseling and a lot of work, they have come to a good place and are very happy. I know their relationship is monogamous. Well, I was on Grindr tonight and stumbled across my friend’s spouse…